Religions of the World According to Shit Happens

Or… In the USA, we make fun of every fucking religion & creed!

I had a shirt in high school with a list of all the Religions of the World according to the axiom, “Shit Happens.” Here’s a copy of what it said.

  • Taoism: Shit Happens.
  • Hinduism: This Shit Happened Before. (alt: If Shit Happens, Blame Pakistan).
  • Islam: If Shit Happens, Blow Something Up. (alt: If Shit Happens, It is the Will of Allah or If Shit Happens, Blame the Jews).
  • Zen: What is the Sound of Shit Happening?
  • Buddhism: When Shit Happens, is It Really Shit?
  • Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit Happens.”
  • 7th Day Adventist: Shit Happens on Saturdays.
  • Protestantism: Shit Won’t Happen if I Work Harder.
  • Catholicism: If Shit Happens, I Deserve It. (alt: If Shit Happens, Cover It Up).
  • Jehovah’s Witness: Knock, Knock, “Shit Happens.”
  • Unitarianism: What is this Shit?
  • Atheism: There is No Shit.
  • Agnosticism: I’m Not Sure if Shit Happens.
  • Mormonism: Shit Happens in Utah. (alt: Shit Happens Again, and Again, and Again…)
  • Judaism: Why Does This Shit Always Happen to me? (alt: If Shit Happens, Charge More Interest).
  • Rastafarianism: Let’s Smoke this Shit.

And since it’s election season:

  • Democrats: If Shit Happens, Tax Someone. (alt: If Shit Happens, Blame the Rich).
  • Republicans: If Shit Happens, Cut Taxes. (alt: If Shit Happens, Blame the Poor).
  • Independents: I’m Not Sure About This Shit. (alt: If Shit Happens, Blame Everyone but Me).
  • Economists: If Shit Happens, Model It. (alt: If Shit Happens Again, Use the Same Model).
  • Capitalism: If Shit Happens, Market It, Package It and Sell It.
  • Communism: From each according to his shit, to each according to his shit.
  • Texas: Don’t Tread on My Shit!
  • Pennsylvania: The Keystone of Shit Happens.
  • Ohio: Poisonous Nut Shit
  • Florida: Does this say Shit Happens or Shit Happens?
  • Iowa: We Wanna Be the First Shit to Happen!
  • California: see Rastafarianism.
  • Smurfs: La la la la la Shit!

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