Inspired by Drew Magary’s NFL preview series, Why Your Team Sucks on Deadspin, I decided to do a little of the same on the college side. This is the second in the series. Click here to learn why WVU sucks.
Some people are fans of the Pitt Panthers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pitt Panthers or don’t really give a shit about them. This preview is for those in the latter group.
Your Team: University of Pittsburgh Panthers
Your 2013-2014 record: 7-6 with a bowl win over Bowling Green. The Pitt-est of Pitt records.
Pitt’s Paul Chryst
Your Coach: Paul “Neat” Chryst, an affable young gentleman who was initially passed over for Todd Graham and then Mike Haywood, the Ray Rice of college coaches. At least Pitt had the sense to can Haywood the minute he gave them an opportunity. Talk about a case of buyer’s remorse.
Chryst is a “neat” guy, as in he says “neat” a lot. A grown man who says, “neat”. Can’t you just hear the awww’s coming. This is a guy who’s so nice and affable that you’re alternately rooting for him to win because you believe he’d do it the ‘right way’ and fearing some news story will drop showing him kicking a 5-year old birthday boy’s new puppy while drinking too much Scotch “neat”.
Your Quarterback: Redshirt sophomore Chad Voytik, who provides the greatest proof ever of both the vulnerability and stupidity of 17 year old boys, as well as their immediate ability to redeem themselves. Voytik was a Todd Graham recruit. He bought that fucking used-car sleazebag salesman’s pitch. He committed 4-5 years of his life to studying under the tutelage of a man who makes Lane Kiffin look like a priest. BUT! He stuck with Pitt after Graham absconded. Three years later, he’s ready to man the helm at Pitt. Teenagers, sheesh.
What’s New that Sucks: Pitt returns a defensive line minus Aaron Donald who only managed to be named ACC Defensive Player of the Year, a unanimous All-American and win Lombardi Award, Bronko Nagurski Trophy, Chuck Bednarik Award and the Outland Trophy. Donald even blocked a kick! Minus Aaron Donald, Pitt’s defensive line had 4.5 sacks and no forced fumbles. All season.