Posted by “Fear is the heart of love”
Towards the end of a recent Peloton class, I heard the preceding lyric from a Death Cab for Cutie song called “I’ll Follow You into the Dark”. Granted, I have since learned that the lyric itself was written in a specific (and very Catholic) context regarding the love of God. But taken alone, it’s rather devastating. Also, true? If I hadn’t been clipped in, I might’ve crumbled off my bike onto the floor.
Why do we accept anything less than the full measure of love. Why do we chase after those who disregard us. Why do we abase ourselves.
Fear of loss.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of being left behind.
Fear of being too different.
Fear of not being worthy.
Fear of not finding happily ever after.
Fear of not being seen.
It is not, I must confess, within the scope of my faculties to comprehend why the failure to gain meaningful & consistent approbation, why the failure to find love, can cause such consternation and doubt and yet provoke no meaningful changes in people’s humors; that they would willingly consent to allowing their mind and perceived value to be twisted and tossed about like naught but detritus over and over again and yet cling to the smallest sliver of optimism that so-called patience and forbearance, that assailing their ears for one more night, so to speak, might eventually yield a changed result.
Fear is perhaps the greatest motivator in life, for better or worse. Even when applied to love, for better or worse.
Fear of not being seen so you develop the most interesting parts of yourself. Then again, fear of being too different to be loved so you smooth yourself out.
Fear of what you feel so you run away when presented the opportunity, (i.e. self-sabotage).
Fear of being alone so you take. the. shot.
Then again, fear of rejection, of finding out your (lack of) worth in someone else’s eyes, so you shrink from the moment.
Or maybe it shouldn’t be seen as fear. Perhaps within that eternal struggle to find and hold onto love, especially when repeatedly unsuccessful, therein lies the greatest strength and weakness of the human condition – hope.
Hope of a break in the clouds.
Hope that the (unintentional) lowering of one’s guards was not in vain.
Hope of a better… Something, Anything.
Hope.
